Parental Guidance

Parents don’t usually get help raising their kids by watching South Park – at least, we hope not. But one episode that found the foul-mouthed, wise-beyond-their-years tykes winning a series of Little League baseball games could have served as a lesson for some moms and a lot of dads. As the kids bounced across Colorado, Stan Marsh’s father, Randy (who’s a geologist, no less!), started a brawl with a dad on the opposing team at every single game. Stan probably summed up how any kid would feel. He hid his face in his mitt, sighed, and shook his little round cartoon head.

Yes, the South Park example is an exaggeration. But the Ugly Little League Parent syndrome has become a blight on kids athletics. Fred Engh, founder and CEO of the National Alliance for Youth Sports (NAYS), believes that while the percentage of out-of-control parents is growing, it remains a tiny minority. “Ninety percent of the parents out there have the emotional maturity to handle the situations,” Engh says. “The problem is that seven percent are borderline jerks and three percent are real jerks. What happens is that the 10 percent get all the headlines, and the 90 percent just go about their way being good parents.”

From Engh’s perspective, a sizable number of the parents he categorizes as jerks simply reflect the changing society in the US. In many cases, they’re trying to make up for having drinks with a potential client instead of helping Junior study for that math test or spelling bee. “I believe some parents are feeling guilty and, therefore, more protective of their child,” explains Engh. “They want nothing to make the child feel bad. And getting no playing time or getting called out on a close play raises the emotions.”

Part of the answer lies with parents spending time with their kids at any early age, and helping them understand the nature of competition. For every Earl Woods (Tiger’s dad, who recognized his son’s talent and competitive spirit), there are thousands of others who simply want their kids to have the passion, drive, and skills to be a champion. Usually, those qualities simply aren’t evident in the kids.

New York-based psychologist Dr. Richard Lustberg, founder of PsychologyofSports.com, says that makes it even more important for kids to have a realistic understanding about winning and losing. That, in turn, means parents have to help them accept a basic premise. “This is a society where second place is not acceptable. Even in childhood games like Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land, the purpose is to win,” Lustberg says. “It’s a competitive society. There’s nothing wrong with that, but kids need to be prepared for it.”

Nor does Dr. Lustberg think that particular societal truth will be traumatic for kids. “Research shows that by third grade, kids can already rank the smartest kids in class from top to bottom,” he says. “Kids are aware of where they stand early on. You have to raise kids to live in this environment.” That environment includes a collection of clips on YouTube featuring brawls from games played across the country. At least a few of them involve parents at Little League and Pee Wee games who’ve carried their overzealous passion for professional sports down to the grade-school fields.

We’re told that kids are overly influenced by the behavior of pro athletes. Well, some parents may not be far behind. “The aggressive parental behavior in youth sports has been the same since the first day they made kids sports mirror pro sports,” says Engh. “Just look at the behavior of adults at pro sports events. When there are scoreboards, standings, championships at youth sports, you create emotions and sometimes ugliness.”

Engh believes it’s time for parents to separate pro sports from kids sports. The former is about winning at all costs. The latter should be about learning. “Sports for kids is like an outdoor classroom,” Engh says. “We teach things like teamwork, discipline, abiding by rules, and learning to accept defeat.” Kids can easily absorb those concepts even if – maybe especially if – they’re not the top athletes. “There’s varsity and junior varsity, but there needs to be ‘club’ ball where anyone can play,” adds Lustberg. “You can pull the star athletes out and put them on traveling teams. But you need to have other opportunities for kids who just want to play.”

It’s up to parents to recognize how important sports can be, without forcing a square kid into a round hole. Engh’s NAYS works with close to 3,000 youth sports agencies around the nation to provide training for parents and for those who’ll be coaching for the first time. Engh says the program aims to point parents in the right direction by emphasizing being an “outdoor classroom teacher” rather than a “coach.” “Over two million parents have become members since 1981, and have agreed to abide by our code of behavior,” Engh explains. “They need to focus on what’s best for the children and not themselves.”

Plus, Engh says it helps to filter out some of what he calls the “undesirables.” “It is a reality that there are jerks out there, and we’ll remove them as members.” A branch of NAYS (the Parents Association for Youth Sports, or PAYS) focuses entirely on the parents who’ll simply be sitting in the bleachers or on a lawn chair. PAYS intends to educate adults on how to eliminate conflict and disruptive behavior, and give their kids a positive experience in sports. Quite simply, the hope is that the “jerks” get the message and focus on helping build up their kids’ character, rather than on tearing down a teenage umpire who’s getting paid 10 bucks to call balls and strikes.