Time to play the dating lame

BY FILIP BONDY
DAILY NEWS SPORTS WRITER

Saturday, April 5th 2008, 10:29 PM

After enduring one too many gossip items and self-congratulatory engagement announcements, here is my binding resolution: There ought to be a restraining order placed on all male sports stars, preventing them from coming within hot-breath distance of any supermodel/actress.

In the past week alone, we've come to learn that Andy Roddick sent his agent last year to fetch him a bride, after selecting model Brooklyn Decker out of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue - which apparently doubles as a fiancée catalogue for top athletes. Meanwhile, Tom Brady was spotted frolicking around Europe with his girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen, when he was supposed to be spending quality workout time with his downcast, Super Bowl-traumatized teammates.

This stuff has been going on since Joe DiMaggio first dated Marilyn Monroe, but until recently it has never sunk to such crass levels or serial matchups. We have been positively overrun by superstar/supermodel news reports, until it seems the whole world will soon be repopulated with very pretty children who can smash 150 mph serves and have nothing to say afterward.

"I just think this is the world they both run in, the entertainment world merging with the sports world into one big mush," says Long Island sports psychologist Dr. Richard Lustberg. "They have the opportunity to meet because of their lifestyles and money. They both understand what it is like to be scrutinized. They both understand what it's like to be objectified."

And so they meet, mate and sometimes marry. Just add the Mediterranean getaway: Roddick and Decker, after Mandy Moore; Brady and Bundchen, after Tara Reid, Jeri Ryan and Bridget Moynahan, the mother of their son; Tony Parker and Eva Longoria; Pete Sampras and Bridgette Wilson, after Kimberly Williams; Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren, after Tyra Banks; Derek Jeter's Murderers Row of Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel.

The alleged romantic hookups are all there on www.whosdatedwho.com, available to research for those of us with an extra month on our hands.

If we should be jealous, why are we grimacing?

Here's the problem: We'd like to believe in a more romantic ideal, where men and women pair off not so much because they are rich, gorgeous and famous, but because they have something a bit deeper in common. It does our hearts considerable good to see a star athlete such as Roger Federer stick so loyally (as of press time) to long-time girlfriend, former pro Mirka Vavrinec.

And maybe, too, we think that the men involved in these relationships aren't really sharing the joint experience of being objectified with the women. They may be furthering the tradition, viewing these women as yet more championship trophies to collect.

Celebrity dalliances can bite back, ferociously. Just ask Boston ace Josh Beckett, who discovered on the day of his ALCS start last October in Cleveland that the woman chosen to perform the national anthem for that game at Jacobs Field was one of his many exes, country singer Danielle Peck. The Indians claimed this was a small-world coincidence.

It definitely was not such happenstance when Tony Romo was greeted with Jessica Simpson masks by Carolina Panther fans, or when teammate Terrell Owens began to tell the media that the Cowboys' season was unraveling because of that romance. Or when David Justice suffered taunts at Yankee Stadium of, "Hal-le Ber-ry," during the World Series after his very public divorce from that film star in 1996.

These relationships do not always augur a turn of bad fortune. Roddick finally defeated Federer last Thursday, after years of futility. Apparently, having Decker watching his forehand form has been more productive than all that advice from ex-coach Jimmy Connors (who once made big news himself for engagements to Chris Evert and then Playmate of the Year Patti McGuire, still his wife).

Lustberg won't say whether athlete/babe relationships face worse odds than any other pairings.

"Their relationships might be strained by the amount of time on the road, but you have a 50% divorce rate at any level," he says.

We've seen the divorces, read all about them: DiMaggio and Monroe; Justice and Berry; Andre Agassi and Brooke Shields.

Before they start marrying the next model in Sports Illustrated, athletes should probably skip a party now and then to take a stroll around the block, to meet the librarian or have a chat with the proverbial girl next door.

They'll still need a pre-nup, but we in the real world will feel much better about it.