Sports view
Jerry Jones reels in Big Tuna, but is it a prize catch?
W. Scott Bailey
Nearly a quarter of a century ago Kevin Cronin and the boys released their eighth REO Speedwagon album.
"You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can't Tuna Fish."
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones should have listened.
Instead, Geppetto signed his newest marionette, Bill Parcells, to a four-year, $17 million deal to lead his vacuous band of vaqueros.
Immediately, ticket sales and expectations rose in Big D.
That's because Cowboys fans - following the lead of a national media that has no problem shoveling a pile of manure into a corner and calling it a story - bought this move by Jones.
Hook, line and sinker.Sure, Parcells won a couple of Super Bowls with the New York Giants. He led the New England Patriots to the big dance and almost took the New York Jets there, too.
He also abandoned all three teams, leaving behind as many questions as victories.
Jones wants America to believe the Big Tuna is an even bigger catch.
But some believe it won't take long before Jones is forced into a quick release.
That's because Dallas' alleged prize catch comes with a catch: He'll change the Cowboys. Then he'll change his address.
Parcells will love Dallas and Dallas will love him.
For a year. Maybe two. Then it all gets iffy.The odds are heavy that before that initial contract runs out, he'll burn his bridges and then burn a trail out of the Metroplex.
Noted sports psychologist Richard Lustberg wrote about Parcells: "He has been accused of disloyalty, of being scheming, conniving and looking out for his own interests. His dalliances with other teams - including talking with the Atlanta Falcons after the Giants won the Super Bowl in '96 and the controversy surrounding his exit from the Patriots - have often made him look selfish ... ."
Just ask the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who twice thought they had landed Parcells only to discover that their fish got away with the bait. That's why Dallas' top Tuna is Tampa's chicken of the sea.
This Cowboys organization, which has fallen so far from Super Bowl contention that all the title talk in Dallas is reserved for the Mavericks, needs a long-term plan.
That requires a long-term coach. But unless Parcells is a changed man, he doesn't fit the bill.
So Hee Haw gets a gewgaw - and another prima donna with short-timers disease.
In the meantime, Cowboys fans get their hopes up.
Again.Overselling
There are other reasons besides questionable loyalty and length of stay that should concern those who are quick to accept Parcells as the solution. Despite the hype Jones has managed, and the giant ego that shadows Parcells like an entourage, the Cowboys are getting a head coach with a lifetime .584 winning percentage.
That ranks him behind 17 other former and current NFL head coaches.
Behind Mike Shanahan. Behind Bill Cowher.Behind Tom Landry, whom Jones unceremoniously fired. And behind Dennis Green, the former Minnesota Vikings head coach who Jones afforded a token phone interview in an attempt to appease the NFL and Johnnie Cochran.
Yep, Jones should have listened to REO Speedwagon.
It's all right there on vinyl. Three 25-year-old tracks that bring it all into focus: "Roll With the Changes," "Running Blind" and "It's Time for Me to Fly."
Jones used the first one as an anthem, driving him to fire Dave Campo who was the epitome of the second.
Parcells stands ready, karaoke microphone in hand, waiting for just the right moment to launch into that third song.
When that day comes, when Jones finds himself stepping over the shrapnel left in Parcells' wake, a chorus of laughter will echo from the land of the Giants, Jets, Patriots, Falcons and Buccaneers, where plenty of folks think Dallas' new coach still stinks like a bucket of chum on a hot day.
Parcells will call for change in Dallas. Then he will call for the moving vans.
Jones may try to relinquish enough power to keep Parcells satisfied and stationary a little longer. But when the Big Tuna is ready to go, nothing and no one can stop him.
REO Speedwagon called it the "Unidentified Flying Tuna Trot."
Under their breath, some former Cowboys coaches will call it payback.
None of this happens if Parcells' latest boss just calls it quits.
For Dallas to recapture their glory, they need a head coach who comes ready to stay for the long haul.
With no strings attached
W. Scott Bailey is a staff writer for the San Antonio Business Journal. He can be contacted at sbailey@bizjournals.com.